In 2015 I found out my husband of 14 years had been cheating on me from before we got married, intermittently through our entire marriage of 17 years. Online, in person, in private, publicly, any way he felt like it. He did it between the hours of when he went to work and when he came home for a meal prepared by me, so it was okay in his mind. I always lived with the internal pain, the feeling that something wasn’t right. People say women always know. And we do. But that doesn’t mean we want to admit it to ourselves. And that’s what cheaters know. I am not male bashing here. I am just saying, the victim knows they are being betrayed. However, if the betrayer is strong enough, smart enough, and manipulative enough, they win. They give you the pacifier you need to second guess and question your intuition.

For five years now I have been single. Dating, with what I thought was intention, against insurmountable odds. I live in Sarasota County, Florida. For every single man, there are 7 eligible single women, and the men know this. Divorcees and never marrieds here have no interest in recommitting, and why should they? For every woman with any sort of opinion, desire or value expressed, there are two behind them who don’t give a shit. They want a meaningless, shallow relationship as well.

I have been asked to be arm candy. I’ve been asked to accept my low rung on the totem pole as a choice until a better option emerges. I’ve also been asked to accept the bare minimum in exchange for a free meal and a night out. In short, I’ve been asked to accept the unacceptable. To be easy, breezy and fun. And to accept that the men have no interest in commitment, monogamy, or the possibility of love. Because in their minds, that’s a waste of time and they’ve already wasted enough of that being married. Maybe women feel the same, because many are okay with these parameters so long as everything is paid for.

Why aren’t women each other’s advocates, not serpents against one another, waiting to have to strike? Women are always on the defensive, against each other, men and themselves. Men protect one another in their infantile, immature, and frankly selfish behavior. My friends and I are happy for one another when finally, things fall into place. If they ever do. And sad for each other when the cards seem stacked against any of us. But that is rare these days.

I’ve started this blog to answer so many questions.

When I first found out my ex was cheating, whilst prepping dinner and waiting for him to come home. Via Facebook Messenger, the main question I had was, what the FU*& do I do? Stay, go, confront him, die? We had three kids, at that time young kids. At the moment, I confronted him. Shortly after, I wanted to die, and then for three years after realizing that wasn’t the best option, I tried to stay.

I read every holocaust book in the world to make myself feel less pain. I read every relationship book, every psychology book, every book I could find to help me decide. Until I found out the length and extent to which the infidelities were. I researched the question, “Should I stay or go,” to no avail. The answer was always within me. And I want to help others determine their path. I needed help, I still need help. We are all a work in progress, but being lost in a “should I stay or go” scenario, is like running your car wheels through mud or snow. You get nowhere.

I want to help women (and maybe men) feel empowered to make this difficult decision on your own. And I will share my stories and friend’s stories, as well as other stories I’ve heard. The grass on the other side isn’t better, but it is filled with hope, occasional heart ache, and the realization that no matter what choice we make, we will all be okay.